#276

I know, I know. It should be "ancient history" by now, but anyone who knows me at all knows also that I will eternally dwell, or agonize, or think about things for endless years after.

This is no exception.

I was thinking. It was all my fault! (but it isn't like I just figured that out now) I think about all the times I made her cry, and all the times that I let her down and all the times that I broke a promise and all the times that I was bitter, hostile, thinking that everyone including her was an enemy, in my fucked up paranoid delusions. And the jealousy. And the ungratefulness. And the neglect. And when she had come all this way to see me I was too god damn lost in my mental world to really be there, just my body was there but I was hiding, hiding in the dark corners of my mind. I was a shell. And I feel so sad that she cried in the night while I was knocked out from my meds. She was so lonely then. I feel horrible. Not for me or for what I lost but for all the years she went through hell. There was so much adversity. Much more than there had to be, so much fighting and I just didn't give a fuck about trying which in turn must have appeared like I never gave a shit about her. So, yes, it was all my fault. At this point in time I can say it rather matter-of-factly. I've grown accustomed to the (self) blame and I have grown (somewhat) enough to reflect on the past and learn from it.

I wish I could have told her how sorry I was for the way that I acted and the way that I treated her but you sort of lose that ability when you not only say it a billion times but you're just a complete emotional hurricane, because who wants to be associated with that? I know I wouldn't. She no longer speaks to me and I understand it. I wish it did not have to be that way because she knew me more than anyone and, she probably still does. Nobody knows me like she did and not even my family members. But it isn't about me. I am just sad. Thinking "Well she's over it and she's all okay now" just isn't enough for me. The end doesn't really matter. I know since I was...went through rough times growing up let's just say, I know that the end doesn't matter at all because it all scarred me. And maybe even to this day the abuse she went through with me still gets in the way of her life in some small fasion. I feel so guilty. I feel saddened and ashamed that even knowing the hell I went through with abuse myself I still managed to do the same to another.

One could only hope she could trust people completely again. Time has passed after all. I just don't know. I only know what I feel, what I go through from the past so distant now. I can't trust anyone anymore. Never really did. That was just another thing she had to deal with on a daily basis. So who knows?

I'm going to forever beat myself up over it. She was too kind. She was very hostile in the end, though. Said a lot of things which pretty much put my existence down and sent my value to nil, all in favour for her new guy. It happens, but it's bullshit at the same time. Why? Because it's nothing but rivalry. However, she kissed my ass enough and frankly, I deserved it, and maybe now when others try to do the same (sadly, they're all around you) she will have the power to stand up for herself and hopefully not be a battered wife, in any respect. So I only saw it and see it today as merely the punishment I deserved.

Let this be a lesson: there is nothing in life worth fighting about. There is nothing in life worth losing the people that cared about you. And do you really want to suffer the same fate as I? Same torture? I think not. I say I'm alright but apparently I am not if I write this stuff still.

So I reiterate: Fight not with those that care about you. I don't care what it is you're pissed about. Talk about it. Because when you break up (and frankly my children, with 70% chance of failure, it's going to happen no matter how much in "love" you are) you don't want to give them any tools to use against you. You will be left for the dogs...plus called a buncha names, hear references to your dick size in comparison, how you mean nothing, they're not a friend, that the other "is" better than you, and a whole lot of other shit they'll laugh at you about.

Rise above.

Do not worry. Only once in a while do I get a chance to come to grips with my feelings on issues. It could be a long time before I once again mention what I feel inside about anything, reverting back to my cold, emotionless drone self again until the need to spew it out comes forth. There are enough emo blogs out there and I sounded like a woman enough in the above to last a while.