#213

To all of my zero readers out there, I say the darkness is coming back again. But I just keep repeating to myself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Oh but how cruel memories can be. How cruel it is to relive every one of your misdeeds, acts of coldness, your every fuckup and failure and every moment of your worst behaviour again and again and again and again until you feel the adrenaline surge in your guts and you shake with self rage, wanting to commit hiri kiri and be done with it. It is always the one who does the act of evil towards another that suffers the longest, unless they are one of the "lucky" few who truly are heartless and unable to feel remorse. The ones you've hurt, well, they forget, they forget about you, they move on but you, you are stuck in an abyssmal nightmare until the bitter end. It is the very essence of hell on earth.

Ah, but just by feeling I am letting her win. Or so it seems. And I have this aching feeling, this little voice you might say, that says that if she ever read what I felt she'd probably laugh and laugh at it all. I must be a big joke to her. Though she is nevermore and will never read anything of mine again, she still has the power over me. What is this I am feeling? Why do I care so much if I was so heartless? Why do I care so much about a person who might be just as heartless as I used to be. Ah, the poles have reversed.

There is no such thing as winning in all this and I doubt even she would be callous enough to laugh at such a thing, unless her personality has so changed but...there's a part of me that highly doubts that. Oh but she too will suffer the feeling of loss one day, like this, and inevitably be in this position, too. Happens to everyone, actually. If anyone is reading this, no doubt you've felt your own share of hell in your lifetime. You can always look at it that way can't you? Yes you can, but if you start thinking along those vindictive lines you're no better, and that isn't caring about someone. Revenge is a dish best served cold and I really don't think I have enough hatred inside me to want a form of revenge. So if she felt like I did, what happens then? Nothing is solved, nothing is fixed. It's useless to wish others to feel the way you do. Can't say I never felt that way though, because as ashamed as I am to say it, I did. I used to want everyone to feel my pain. I think at the very least all of this has helped me to grow up a bit in that regard and that's something at least.

I want the best for her no matter what I feel. I always knew I wasn't a good person most of the time. She was always so kind to me. So caring. She cared for me when I was sick. She was in fact the beauty in all this and I acted like nothing more than a emotionally bloodthirsty beast. It isn't like I can say she never tried you know. Never let what I say about it all delude you into thinking she was the badguy. She tried for so long to make things work with me and it was me that failed. I didn't lift a finger to help myself, her, or anybody, and I was very mean to her. I couldn't expect her to take it forever. Sometimes I forget that for a while...until it slams back into my memory. So yeah, I can't be pissed off can I? I guess most of all I just miss having someone give a crap about me. It's all I really need in this world. Too bad I went and fucked all that up. Now I have to wait for another. And there will be another. I can't say there won't be. I guess I will learn from my mistakes and not make them again... But people to me aren't so replaceable. It's not about replacement. While she will never forget my cruelty, self mutilation and anger...I will never forget her caring and her sweetness. Polar opposites indeed. The devil and the angel.

One more thing. In the end she told me I never loved her. That kind of stung. A decent blow, you just couldn't cut me any deeper than that in the state I was in. How she was mistaken, though. It is not so unusual for people to be wrong. Sadly, people just don't understand me very well. I am more complicated than most.

Now I shall sleep. If sleep will take me. But I must say, I feel the power rushing back again. The blackness is departing. You know what I just realized, though? Maybe if I spent more time telling her what she meant to me, praising her, I wouldn't have been so damn angry all the time. Lesson learned. Now the next poor girl I shall smother with nothing but affection and love. Oh yes...the human mind is capable of adapting.