#207

Mission is a failure. It feels like years... I've stopped holding my breath. I would like to take a trip somewhere very far away to get my mind off of things and to purge my soul once and for all because while I've been doing pretty well considering, lately it has only gotten harder each time things are thought about/remembered, despite it all being my own doing that got me here. Nothing anymore is powerful enough to kill it, and I can't stop myself from feeling anything like I used to. Used to be I could play a game or read a book and I would be okay again, but that isn't so anymore. I wonder why that is? And I am too mentally drained to play a game anymore nor am I able to concentrate long enough on a book. I'll read a paragraph but while I am reading I'll gap out and by the last word I can't remember anything I just read. I can go over the same paragraph several times and still not remember. I want to use the money and go to Amsterdam or something. That would be pretty damn cool. I know you can never escape your problems no matter where you go, that they always tend to follow as if chained to your ankle to be dragged along, but even a temporarily release from things would grant me some much needed time to get a little stronger. It is fucked that it's so much easier to leave the country/world than it is to go in your backyard. I have since forgotten what I was told of why that is. Maybe because in another land, in another world, nobody can know who you are. Maybe that should be nobody has a chance to know who you are. And with the way I have been, I don't think it would be fair for anyone to know who I am. It is 4am on the 9th day of the 9th month. Mayhap I should sleep. I don't seem to get much of that! And when I do I am taunted by visions. I'll try anyways.